Sunday, November 6, 2011

Find Yourself

I have heard your story,
I have heard you loud & clear
Scars like an abyss
With no visual markings
Trust has withered away
Like a raisin in the sun
What he has done
Is unforgivable
And some days
Seem unlivable

I hear you miss,
I hear you loud and clear
I see the way these boys
Play Russian roulette with
Words like spiked bats
Swinging aimlessly
Using your insecurities like a piƱata
Trying to break you open
Till your warmth, care & love
Hit the ground

More times than not I have been the one
Trying to pick up the pieces
And somehow make it better again.
Sometimes only trying to be a friend
Sometimes trying to be more
Sometimes feeling so distant
Than it would be better to write
Than fight to have you closer.

Your story is like so many others
Ex girlfriends, ex flings,
Mothers, daughters, nieces, cousins
Over these years I have tried to make sense of it.
I have tried to understand.
It is so easy to blame him
So easy to tell the world what a monster he was.
So easy to not look inside yourself
And understand your self worth.

Motherly instincts tell you to nurture
To care for
To put band aids over wounds
And make it all better.

So what if he had no car,
No job,
No direction,
No drive,

SO what if he sold drugs,
Had a criminal record,
And a few go to girls on the side.

He had enough swagger,
Enough confidence,
Enough of that “fuck it” attitude to
Show you that attention you needed. 

How strong are you?
How many dates did you wait
Till legs spread open
Exposing the vulnerability
Of the need to be wanted, embraced?
How many times did you let him use your body,
So he could get his and you could not get yours?
How many times did you let him borrow,
Using your kindness for weakness?
How many nights did text messages go unanswered while
The other side of the bed stayed vacant?
How many times did you feel like you felt before you met him.
How many times did you stand up for yourself and say no!
How many times did you repeat the same steps with the same kind of guys?

There are boys and there are men.
 There are those types that will talk to anything with a pulse
Those who exhaust energy into seeing how much ass they can pull
Those who’s money goes to addictions and escape
Those who never took time to understand their self worth,
Those are the one’s we call boys.

The one you’re looking for might not be as attractive,
Might not have tattoos and piercing & the newest bummy fashion trend.
Might not be spending endless nights at the bars & clubs searching,
Might not be out screaming for attention out in public.

If we are suppose to be reflections of one another
Then you are no better than the one’s you choose to keep company with.
I ask all you girls, young women,
How much is your self worth?
How much do you love yourelf?

I know it’s hard to be alone at times
But to be your own vehicle
Is something we all deserve to be.
Find yourself, before you find another
Because those who are already found
Will never leave you feeling lost. 

-Poem by Iain "Emic" Watson

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